Days like these for some are lonely and cold. Not everyone is happy with the Holiday coming up, well at least is not me...
10 years back it never excite me or amused me about any Holiday getting close because for me it was just like any other day. Thanksgiving, Mother's Day. Easter, Halloween, Christmas Day or New Year's Eve for me was a nightmare and it only made me sad. It was not fair or easy as I wanted it to end and all I ever thought about was my 3 little girls who were taken away.
After loosing them to my ex husband's parents, I got lost and was left alone in a room crying myself to sleep and not able to eat or go anywhere. I was starting to give up and wanted nothing more than to be with them again. Something was torn out of my heart and I could not put it back together even if I tried. I was not happy anymore and was drowning myself with alcohol. A part of my life which I can no longer control, one after the other just to hide the pain and suffering I endured. Killing me silently but thinking that it was healing me when it was only blocking it for that moment. No kids and no family to come home to or be strong anymore.
"My life didn't matter anymore," is what I thought. "Why should I keep living for?" asking myself.
Is the question most ask right? What is everyone's happiness is and what made them go on as I can't keep going. Multiple times trying to change my mindset and that was not working at that time of my life. Now stuck in the same mentality over and over again. The mind is hard to control and that is when I remembered mom saying; "Surrender yourself to God and pray to him because only he will heal you." I didn't listen.
I was jealous of going into Facebook and looking at photos with Families smiling and enjoying these events together but here I am stuck in the house all alone or going to work because I don't want to be home by myself.
So yeah, my trauma and my past did me wrong and is why I became who I am today. There are people just like myself who are going thru the same or even worse, suffering in silence all alone. We have to find peace within ourselves again and heal little by little. Until that day comes, then that's when we will be happy once again. And each day I end up doing a good deed and helping others because it makes my heart smile.
The Holiday's weren't for me since that day when they were taken from me. People ask; Why don't you celebrate? or can you explain to me why? my response would be because I just don't or is a sensitive topic. And here is my story of why not everyone celebrates the Holiday. Not so special for myself as the years have gone by and my little girls will be teenagers by now. I held strong for so long and motivated myself to keep going even though it still hurts me inside. Thanks to my past trauma, I have become the women who I am today.
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